I Go 100

12 days left, and I’m nervous.

Emotionally, I’m wavering and wobbling on a tightrope, slowly inching my way across a giant chasm. I’m trying not to look down. Chin up and eyes forward. Think positive. Think confidence. Believe.

Down below are the doubts that have been plaguing me. They are taunting and trying to pull me off the rope. I’ve been kicking them away as I keep my eyes forward. Sometimes I glance down and it’s so hard to tear away from what is down there.

It’s not about rowing for 100 km. It’s much more than that.

It’s the fear of failing in front of a lot of people. I’m putting myself on a stage so that hundreds of strangers can look at me and judge my appearance (She looks so ordinary. She’s got a big butt.) judge my form (She’s so slow. She’s not pulling hard enough.) judge my intentions (Who does she think she is. What a show-off.) judge my fundraiser (Why doesn’t she raise money for her neighbourhood? Why isn’t she helping the “insert name” cause?).

Chin up. Think positive.

What if I crash? I’ve only rowed as long as 6 hours – that leaves 3 to 4 hours of uncharted territory. What if the pain is too much? What if I cramp up? What if I start getting dopey and silly from lack of fuel? This will be in front of people, not in the comfort of my basement where I can fall apart privately.

Think confidence. Believe.

Then there’s the fundraising. This has been a real tough pill to swallow. I have to confess that I was really naive when I made this goal. To think that I could raise 40 thousand dollars without any prior experience was foolish. I thought I was brilliant and could pull it off through my own special powers. It’s been a painful lesson. But the beauty of this experience means that I have learned many things about fundraising, which I will compile and share in a few weeks.

I look at all of the people who have generously donated, and those who put together their own fundraising initiatives to help, and I think – wow! There are a lot of wonderful and caring people. And I’m thankful.

I also realize that some events were out of my control. Like Haiti. Like the other disasters in the world – these had to take priority. I also have seen firsthand the prevalence of charities trying to raise money. And I see the charity-exhaustion that happens with people. How do we choose where to give, when there are so many worthy causes? It’s a difficult thing. I can only imagine how hard it must be to work for a non-profit, trying to generate funding for important issues.

But the fact remains – this is my personal failure.

Okay now. Chin up. Be positive. Kick away those thoughts. I’m trying and I’m human. I’m not perfect. No one is. There is beauty in pain. There is beauty in imperfection. The value is in caring and trying and sticking out our necks, and sometimes we fall and sometimes we fail but we are still worthy.

No matter what happens.

(Note: The school is getting built, no matter what. Construction Progress)