Despite the panic
For some reason I have been experiencing a sense of panic today. Panic about myself and what I'm doing. This morning I was trying to decipher what was going on in my head while watching my daughter in her gymnastics class. As I was watching her, I thought about how she is almost 4 years old now and her life is full of possibilities. The world is open to her, if only she will grab the opportunities or, even better, make opportunities that don't yet exist. I'm hoping that doing things like gymnastics will help improve her self-confidence and create the building blocks to challenge herself in her future. She needs a lot of encouragement now because she is still little – and I hope one day she will be able to find that encouragement within herself.
Too often we shut ourselves down to what we are capable of – we don't think we have the ability or the strength to achieve great things; we don't believe that we deserve to do more, have more, and be more. I'm capable of a lot of things, but I am thrown off course by the wall of doubt. Sometimes I manage to pull myself over the wall and go after a big goal. And then I panic that I'm not going to make it. But I do. And I promise that I will remember my success for the next time. And then I forget, and the cycle begins again.
The important thing is to keep going – to just get over the wall. Don't think of the panic on the other side. Yes it will be there – for me anyway, it is always there waiting. And it's very uncomfortable. But once I'm over the wall, I run through the panic – there's no stopping until I reach my goal.
I messed up my training plan this week. I missed some km, and this afternoon I spent about 20 minutes beating myself up over it. But then I sorta snapped out of it. My heart is still beating, which means I'm not out of time yet. I set my alarm for tomorrow morning.
